Of course, not all Neil's wounds were self-inflicted. For example, Neil's hair styles tended to be 'flexible'. During my time in Sunderland, if Neil had the same hair style at the end of term as he had at the beginning, it usually meant that I had missed out on seeing three others. At this time Neil was sporting a black 'Mohican', with a purple crest. In fact it was the second longest in Birmingham (he kept it until it was the longest, then had a 'flat-top'). Back to the plot. Neil was working as a general 'handy-man' for the Police at their transport HQ in Brum. He usually wore his hair flat, in a pony tail while at work, but for some reason on this particular day he was in 'full ascendant'. He left work to catch the bus, but was identified by somebody already at the bus stop as an undercover officer in the drugs squad. This particular person obviously had a strong dislike for drug squad personnel and Neil ended up wearing an eye patch for a month while he recovered from a detached retina.

In fact, Neil has quite a few incidents where his head proved to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. While 'courting' his wife, he spent a lot of time at the night club where she worked, helping out in the DJ box, comparing Karate techniques with the doormen (did I mention that after Judo Neil was 'into' Karate and Thai Kick Boxing and Weight Lifting and probably one or two other things that I blinked and missed!). Of course, Birmingham clubs have doormen for a reason. They are usually 6'2" (wide) and generally of fairly solid construction. Neil is now slightly taller than me (VERY slightly) at about 5'10" and tends to look like an advert for famine relief in Ethiopia. However, it is solid muscle, including between his ears, so that when the fight broke out Neil, instead of hiding under the table or behind the bar, waded in to help his friends. So they were only outnumbered about two to one. Neil escaped injury. The chair broke before his head. But he did get a little upset when the new girl behind the bar wanted him to buy a drink before she'd give him any ice!

The third incident where Neil proved to be, how shall I put it, 'Head Strong', was during his time with the TA (for those of you who don't know, that's the Territorial Army, the 'reservists', i.e. the ones who get called up first when things go wrong). There were a number of individuals in the car. Neil and one of his co-recruits and one or two others. The driver, who shall remain nameless - but on this occasion wasn't Neil, decided that the car would look better wrapped around a lamp- post and proceeded to attempt it. Neil flagged down a bus to radio for aid and wondered why the driver went white. The reason was the 2-3" gash down Neil's forehead that was pumping blood all over his nice clean bus. Luckily for Neil, the car behind the bus contained two off-duty ambulance men and they managed an emergency 'puncture repair' while waiting for the ambulance. At which point Neil realised he was improperly dressed, being in uniform, but not wearing his cap. A serious offence as any ex-military man will tell you. The ambulance personnel, for some reason, did not rate this as particularly important however, and Neil was stitched up without his beret. The other occupants of the car escaped (comparatively) unscathed.

That was not Neil's only 'unfortunate' incident during his brief military career. The other occurred while he was undergoing that officially sanctioned torture known as 'basic training'. If you are in the regular army, your basic training is spread over about six months and is sheer purgatory. If, however, you join the TA, they pick out all the good bits, throw them out, and cram the rest into two weeks of sheer hell! What basic training actually consists of is, of course, covered by the official secrets act (which means that only the Russians know about it). However, since I've never actually signed the act...

Part of a soldier's basic training involves preparing for that moment when the terrorists take over the Embassy/Airport/School Bus and hold a dozen Diplomats/Nuns/Kids hostage. The TV cameras are rolling, so it is important that they get it right first time. Now, during training, you usually have the Embassy grounds replaced by a muddy field, and a dirty barn doubling as the heavily fortified house. Neil was in the anti-terrorist squad. The 'terrorists' were attacked from all sides and captured successfully. They were then unceremoniously dragged by arm/leg/hair or anything else that came to hand to the 'HQ', while another soldier followed up to the rear carrying the 'terrorists' kit. Now the terrorists were not in uniform, so they were not wearing their insignia of rank. So it was not until somebody went through the kit that they found out that one of the people they had dragged through the mud was a Major. He was also an Army Chaplain. Would anybody care to guess who Neil dragged through the mud?

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